


If People Were Colours, He Was Red and I Was Blue

by midnightskydan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressing, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, M/M, mute!dan, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 11:50:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8577367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightskydan/pseuds/midnightskydan
Summary: In which Dan and Phil’s relationship hits a hard patch when Phil has troubles. Dan associates his difficult love with different “colors” like blue and grey. Feat. mute!Dan and depressed!Phil.





	

Dan stared at his boyfriend as Phil blew smoke into the living room, seeming not to care that it tended to make Dan’s breathing difficult. Maybe he simply hadn’t noticed that Dan was affected by it. Dan wouldn’t be surprised.

It wasn’t as if Dan could complain either. He didn’t have the ability. Dan had been selectively mute for the past 10 years. He suffered from crippling anxiety and not talking meant not having to confront it quite so often. Of course when Dan finally got comfortable around Phil, when they fell in love, when Phil gained his trust, Dan would speak only to him. But lately with Phil’s change in personality, Dan had sunk deeper inside himself and never spoke, not even to Phil.

Phil looked up, briefly meeting Dan’s eyes. He looked away quickly, putting his cigarette out. Dan suspected that he did feel guilty somewhere inside of him, for putting Dan through so much.

“How come you never speak to me anymore?” Phil asked quietly.

Dan merely shrugged. Phil should know why. Dan didn’t feel as safe, as comfortable, as loved unconditionally by Phil anymore. Thinking about talking to Phil caused Dan too much anxiety, so he’d given up.

“I miss your voice.” Phil whispered, barely audible but Dan heard. Phil stood and walked out of the lounge.

Dan felt tears prickle at his eyes as Phil walked away. He was surprised as he felt his messy fringe being pushed over, and a soft, tentative, kiss placed on his forehead from behind him. He smiled a little at the small act of fondness, but when he turned around, Phil was already half-way down the hall. Dan watched him disappear into the bedroom, sighing to himself.

 **_Your little brother never tells you but he loves you so_ **  
**_You said your mother only smiled on her TV show_ **

“ _You have to save him, Dan_.”

The words repeated themselves in Dan’s mind. Hell of a lot of pressure to put on him, thanks Ms. Lester. She had told Dan this the last time he saw her.

Dan knew Phil had used to be depressed in his teens. He knew that meeting, befriending, and falling in love with Dan had helped him through a lot. He knew Phil could relapse. Dan just never expected it’d be this bad.

“ _Dan, I know you can make him happy again.” His brother spoke, “When he met you, that was when we all finally saw hope for him. He was the happiest he’d ever been with you. You can get that back. He loves you so much._ ”

Did he? Did he still love Dan?

At any rate, it was apparently up to him. Phil’s fragile heart was in Dan’s hands.

 _**You’re only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope** _  
_**I hope you make it to the day you’re 28 years old** _

Dan took a deep breath and tread down the hallway to their bedroom. Dan hadn’t really used it in a while, though. He always questioned whether or not he’d be welcome beside Phil in bed, so he had been crashing on the couch.

Dan bit his lip and hesitantly opened the door. Phil was sat on the bed, a pipe between his lips. The distinct smell of weed hung in the air. He exhaled a cloud of smoke, and looked up at Dan when he heard him enter.

Dan felt tears prickle at his eyes again as he looked at his boyfriend, disappointed. Phil had promised Dan never again. He had promised.

Dan walked into the room and fell into the desk chair, running his fingers through his hair, a tear slipping down his cheek. How was Dan going to help him? How could he do this?

“Dan-” Phil started.

Dan shook his head, burying his face in his hands. He allowed tears to fall and before long Dan was full on sobbing into his hands.

He felt a hand rest gently on his back. “Dan, you…you don’t understand, I-”

Dan shook his head again, moving away from Phil. He was tired of Phil’s damn excuses.

Phil sighed, reaching to take Dan’s cold hand. “I’m sorry, love.” Phil spoke quietly.

Dan took a deep breath and pulled his hand away in order to shakily sign the words, ‘I’m worried about you. I want you to live a long happy life…with me. You deserve as much.’

Phil sighed, bringing Dan’s shaking hand to his lips and pressing a kiss to it. “I’m sorry, Dan.” He repeated.

 **_You’re dripping like a saturated sunrise_ **  
**_You’re spilling like an overflowing sink_ **

“Dan, I’m fucked up.” Phil admitted, laughing without humor, “I’m so fucked up. You’ve got to get out. I’m going to drag you down with me. Look at you. You’re sleeping on the couch. I haven’t heard you talk in weeks. You poor thing, have you even eaten?” He sighed, trailing a finger down Dan’s cheek, “Dan, you have to leave me behind.”

Dan felt his eyes water again. He raised a shaky hand again, signing the words, ‘But I love you.’

“Dan you can’t speak to me anymore, look at you, you’re fucking shaking. You’re terrified.” Phil spoke, tears gathering in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Dan, but that’s not love. That’s abuse.”

Tears ran down Dan’s face. He bit his lip, signing 'don’t make me leave you, please.’ He collapsed against Phil, hugging him tightly.

Phil took a deep breath and wrapped his arms gently around his boyfriend. He pushed aside all the shit that was going on in his mind. Whatever the hell was going on with him, Dan needed him. Dan had needed him for so long.

“Dan, baby, you can’t save me this time. You’re going to have to let me go, love, you are. But tonight…please lay beside me. Let me take care of you. I’ve got you tonight, I promise.” Phil spoke, pushing Dan’s hair out of his eyes, “Don’t be scared. Don’t think. Just lay down with me. If you want.” Phil suggested gently.

Dan smiled a little, clutching onto Phil’s hand. He nodded, tears still falling down his cheeks.

Phil lead Dan to the bed, laying him down in it and tucking him in all nice and cozy. After this Phil retrieved some scented candles to clear the air and a collection of movies to put on. He then went into the bathroom to freshen up so he looked like a normal boyfriend instead of a crazy addict.

 _**You’re ripped at every edge but you’re a masterpiece** _  
_**And now you’re tearing through the pages and the ink** _

Phil laid beside Dan in bed and pulled him into his arms. Dan took a deep breath, inhaling Phil’s scent. He smelled just like he used to. Like he’d never relapsed. Wall-E played in the background and Phil held Dan close, whispering to him.

“You’re gorgeous, Dan. I love you, you know.” He mumbled into Dan’s ear. Dan was still shaking so, worried it was because of him, Phil tried to move away, but Dan held tightly onto him.

Phil held his hands tightly, kissing Dan’s head. “I may get a little off the handle but please tell me you know that I would never _ever_ hurt you. Not intentionally. _Never_ physically. No matter what the hell I’m on.” Phil promised, tears collecting silently in his eyes at the thought that Dan might actually be afraid of this.

Dan nodded, offering a small smile. He turned his head to face Phil and hesitantly pressed his lips to Phil’s. He tasted of tooth paste, to Dan’s relief. Phil’s hand moved behind Dan’s head, tangling in his hair as they kissed softly.

Dan felt safer. Not as safe as he used to feel with Phil around, but he was able to relax much more than usual.

 **_Everything is blue_ **  
**_His pills, his hands, his jeans_ **

As Phil slept soundly beside Dan, he bit his lip, carefully pulling himself out of Phil’s arms. Dan took a deep breath and pulled open the bedside drawer. Sure enough he found bottles of pills and lighters. He sighed, biting his lip and gathered up the pill bottles. Dan crept into the hallway, finding the closet and hiding the bottles back in there.

Maybe later he’d have Phil’s parents identify them so he knew what they were up against.

Dan climbed back into bed, beside Phil. He reached to grab Phil’s right hand between his, surprised at how cold it was. He held it tightly between both his hands, breathing hot air over it, smiling as he felt it warm up slightly.

Phil cracked open an eye and his hand squeezed Dan’s, as if scared to let it go. Dan squeezed his hand right back and leaned forward to press a kiss to Phil’s forehead. A silent promise that Dan was going nowhere.

 **_And now I’m covered in the colors_ **  
**_Pulled apart at the seams_ **  
**_And it’s blue_ **  
**_And it’s blue_ **

Dan situated himself in Phil’s arms, which instantly wrapped tightly around him. He was breathing shakily, clutching Dan tight. Dan could hear him, even though he wasn’t talking. 'Please don’t leave me. I know you should. I know I told you to, but please don’t. Please don’t leave me.’

Dan nuzzled into his shoulder, hands resting over Phil’s that rested on his stomach. 'I won’t.’ He replied, wordlessly, 'It’s okay. I’m here. I won’t go. I love you.’

Phil heard him. And he was able to drift off, still holding Dan tightly.

Dan gently pulled himself out of Phil’s arms, careful not to wake his finally peaceful boyfriend. He tread out to the living room, fishing his journal out of the couch. He opened to a new page, reading over what he’d written the night before.

_Our colour is blue, now. Not as red as it was. Just blue. Dark blue. I don’t know if I prefer red or blue, honestly. At lease with red there’s…/something/. Blue…it’s just…sadness. Despair. There’s nothing._

Dan began writing beneath it.

 ** _Everything is grey_ **  
**__Hi__** ** _ _s hair, his smoke, his dreams  
__** **_And now he’s so devoid of color  
_** **_He don’t know what it means  
_** **_And he’s blue  
_ ** ******_And he’s blue_**

_Blue isn’t the worst. The worst is grey. Where there’s no anger, no sadness, just emptiness. He’s just a cloud of smoke. He dissipates as soon as I touch him. He’s see through, thin, hardly there. He’s dark and  fragile. That’s the worst._

_It’s times like that I can never see him ever being colourful again. He used to be yellow, and purple, and dark red, and green. Now he’s just blue, red, and grey. So grey. Most often grey._

_The grey makes me wish for the explosive red, even the despondent dark blue. Anything beats the disgusting, apathetic, grey._

_But today when he walked toward me, he didn’t disappear into the air. He solidified. There was a glimmer of pink and he kissed me on the forehead. I saw the pink flicker amongst the grey._

_Hope._

_Unable to help myself, I followed the pink as it retreated. I discovered a tiny nook where he had been hiding his colours. I saw flicks of orange: fondness, light blue: gentleness, pink-red: love. It’d been so long, I cried. The colors were so beautiful. As our souls entwined for the first time in a long time, the grey was taken by blue, pink, and light orange_ _._

_But the dark blue remained amongst the colours. He’s blue. But that’s better than grey. He’s blue._

~•~•~  

 **_You were a vision in the morning when the light came through_ **  
****_I know I’ve only felt religion when I’ve lied with you_ ** **

Dan awoke in Phil’s soft embrace. A set of lips covered his face in gentle kisses. Dan couldn’t help the smile that washed over his features. Phil’s touches were soft and gentle, just like they’d always used to be.

It was almost as if things were back to normal. Phil smiled gently down at Dan. “Morning gorgeous.” He mumbled, kissing along Dan’s jaw. Dan keened, hands moving to tangle in Phil’s hair.

Dan hummed, pondering voicing a reply. This seemed so comfortable, natural, Dan wasn’t afraid. He opened his mouth to speak. Phil watched intently, wondering if he was finally going to get to hear his boyfriend’s beautiful voice after so long.

When Dan hesitated, so did Phil. Dan was trusting Phil immensely. He never let anyone hear him speak. Phil quickly realized he wasn’t worthy of such trust.

 **_You said you’ll never be forgiven 'til your boys are too_ **  
**_And I’m still waking every morning but it’s not with you_ **

“Don’t.” Phil stopped Dan, who was about to speak. Dan closed his mouth, looking down.

“I don’t deserve it, Dan.” Phil mumbled in explanation, hand resting gently on Dan’s arm. “I’m still fucked up, bear. Last night doesn’t change that. I can’t be what you need. I don’t deserve your trust.”

Dan looked down. As much as he hated listening to the man he loved talk badly about himself, he knew this was true. Dan couldn’t just make himself vulnerable again. Phil had to earn that.

Did that mean Phil didn’t want anymore nights like last night? Was it back to the couch for Dan?

~•~•~

 _**Everything is blue** _  
_****His pills, his hands, his jeans** ** _

Dan was just thinking about how long it had been since Phil had been red, when he heard it.

“DAN FUCKING HOWELL, I SWEAR TO _FUCK_.” Phil hissed, slamming the door to the lounge open.

Dan cowered, sinking into the couch. He tilted his head, eyes wide.

“ _Where_. The _fuck_. Are they?” Phil growled.

Shit. The fucking pills.

He played innocent, giving a confused, wide-eyed look.

“Don’t you fucking play dumb, you _useless piece of shit_.” Phil snarled, stepping closer. “Show me where the fuck you hid them, you ungrateful _slut_.”

Dan didn’t dare blink, heart beating fast, breath quickening. He shook his head at Phil’s demand.

“You better rethink that answer.” Phil hissed, hovering over Dan, raising a hand-as if to hit Dan.

 _**And now I’m covered in the colors** _  
_****Pu****_ __ ** **lled apart at the seams  
** ** _**_**And it’s blue  
** _ ** _ ****And it’s blue** **

It wasn’t until Dan whimpered, bursting into tears, that Phil snapped out of it. He looked over at his raised fist, gaping in disbelief of his own actions. Dan sobbed violently on the couch before him.

He crouched down before Dan, immediately wanting to take everything back. Dan was genuinely terrified.

“Dan….oh god…Dan I’m so sorry. Bear, I…I would never. Please don’t be afraid. Oh fuck.” Phil’s voice broke as he tried desperately to fix what he’d just almost done. He reached to touch Dan, to comfort the boy somehow. When Dan flinched away, Phil’s heart could probably be heard cracking. “Dan..please…”

Dan just shook his head, tears streaming down his cheeks as he stared at Phil, horrified. He slowly slid off the couch, not taking his eyes off Phil as he backed away.

And he was running.

 _**Everything is grey** _  
_****His hair, his smoke, his dreams** ** _  
_**_**And now he’s so devoid of color** _ ** _  
_**_**He don’t know what it means** _ ** _  
_**_**And he’s blue** _ ** _  
_**_**And he’s blue** _ ** _

Phil listened as the front door was slammed shut. He took a shaky breath, staring where his boyfriend had just been, feeling nauseous.

He ran into the bathroom, leaning over the sink. When his eyes met his own bloodshot ones in the mirror, he felt a tear roll down his cheek. He was so fucking messed up. He did drugs. He smoked. He drank. He terrified his already anxiety-ridden boyfriend, but promised that he loved him.

He lost everything. And for what?

He slammed his fist down on the counter, crying out in anguish. What the hell was wrong with him?! He might’ve lost Dan for good this time.

 _**Everything is blue** _  
_****Everything is blue** ** _

Dan finally collapsed, heaving, beneath a tree in the park. He leaned against the tree, still crying silently.

How had Phil done that to him? After he’d promised Dan he would never hurt him.

He cried. And cried. All alone.

 _**Everything is blue** _  
_****Everything is blue** ** _

Phil collapsed against the wall behind him, sinking to his knees. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he buried his face in his hands.

How could Phil have done that to Dan? After he finally thought he could change for Dan. Be better.

So he cried, and cried. Left alone by the only person who still gave a shit.

_**You were red and you liked me 'cause I was blue** _

When Dan met Phil, Phil was just like this. He was a drugee, a smoker, a drunk. He was depressed, lonely. He was angry at the world.

This didn’t stop Dan from falling for Phil at all. And Phil fell quickly for the sad, lonely, anxious boy. They’d fallen for each other at their worst.

_**You touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky** _

Phil saved Dan when Dan couldn’t save himself. He taught Dan confidence. Showed him the beauty in himself. And with saving Dan, Phil saved himself.

The colours they made were gorgeous. They brought out the best in each other.

_**And you decided purple just wasn’t for you** _

Then suddenly Phil couldn’t handle Dan. Didn’t want him. So Phil pushed Dan right back into his shell.

Well Dan wouldn’t let him do this.

 _**Everything is blue** _  
_****H** ** _ ****is pills, his hands, his jeans  
** ** _****And now I’m covered in the colors  
** **_ _****Pulled apart at the seams  
** **_ _****_**And it’s blue  
** **And it’s blue**

 _**_**Everything is grey** _ ** _  
_**_**His hair, his smoke, his dreams** _ ** _  
_**_**And now he’s so devoid of color** _ ** _  
_**_**He don’t know what it means** _ ** _  
_**_**And he’s blue** _ ** _  
_**_**And he’s blue** _ ** _

Phil wiped his eyes, standing. He ran through the house, raiding every secret stash he had. He gathered bags and bags of pills, drugs, cigarettes, and threw it into the dumpster outside. He had to pull through for Dan. Who fucking cares about his damn addictions? He’d die before losing Dan.

Phil didn’t want Dan to change to accommodate him. He wanted Dan to be his perfect self. Phil destroyed Dan. And he hated himself for it.

The cigarettes where all gone too. They’ve messed him up.

Dan deserved more. Dan deserved someone with no addictions, no problems. He deserved someone who could love him like he needed. Phil had to be that again.

Fuck Phil’s problems. Dan was his only priority.

_**Everything is blue [4x]** _

Dan took a deep breath, opening the door to his and Phil’s flat.

Before Dan could process anything that was happening, he was in a gentle embrace, a face buried in his neck. Phil sobbed, hugging Dan tightly.

“I-I’m so sorry. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. God, Dan, I love you.” Phil cried. “I’ll quit. I swear I’ll quit. Everything. I’ll quit everything. I threw it all out. I don’t care. I’ll quit. I’ll stop. I swear. I swear, I will. Just please don’t leave me. Please give me one more chance. I’ll do anything. I can’t lose you, Dan. I- Please, please, please. I love you, please.” Phil rambled, crying into Dan’s shoulder.

Dan took a deep shaky breath. These promises would be hard to keep, but Phil seemed so desperate, maybe he could do it. He pulled back and brushed the hair from Phil’s face, feeling tears fall from his own eyes.

“I love you too,” Dan breathed quietly, “We can do this.”

**Author's Note:**

> [find me on tumblr](https://lavender-dan.tumblr.com/)


End file.
